People say that I’m picky when it comes to women. I have another word for it. Standards.

It shouldn’t be that difficult to understand that I know what I want. I can even chart it for you in all matters of metrics, but it’s still not going to change the fact that there’s a big bar that’s been set – and shame on you guys telling me to lower it. It would be one thing if I had this elitist attitude whilst chronically sobbing myself to sleep at night because I can’t seem to find the right girl. Pathetically blowing my nose in the tissue of entitlement all because the interpretation of standards was bullied among the stringy tendrils of settling and desperation. But it’s not like that. In fact, I think other people spend more time mulling over my relationship musings than I do.

There’s a bar. It needs to be set. That’s the standard. Then you raise that bar a bit more because seriously, why would you want to date an average person. That new height is your standard. This varies with a lot of people. The desperate seem to have a wonky system that arbitrarily moves the bar up and down, usually based on availability. Then there are the settlers who have the bar up at a decent level, then slowly lower it as time passes on, marked by the lonely weekends spent at home with the cats. Then there are people like me, who feel like the person they should spend their precious time with should be extraordinary. We already lose copious amounts of time with people we don’t want to invest any more in, be it work, the outside world, that lurker who liked your photo from three years ago. It’s not too much to ask for when wanting to spend any spare time and God forbid, intimate moments of vulnerability and discovery with someone special.

You need to be independent before you can be dependable to someone else.

The world leaves a mark. I get that. A person could have a horrible history of relationships, so terrifyingly terribad that the standards become the blessings. A girl who’s dated nothing but douchebags and insecure jealous nerdragers is gonna stockholm her head into thinking that those guys are the bar, so when she finally meets, I dunno, a nice guy she thinks she won the king’s ransom, when in reality, being nice, get this, is a standard. Wow, what a lucky girl.

Nobody buys a car and then brags about the deal they got because they got tires and a windshield. But that’s what happens to a lot of people. They think they got the deal of the century because they can actually drive their car off the lot because it came with tires.

No. It’s (stay with me here) SUPPOSED to come with tires. I know. Amazing.

The Traps.

There are definite traps to both sides. On one hand, a person who lowers their standards ends up settling, sure they might be in an amicable relationship but may soon find themselves bored to tears, or wanting more and eventually dreading being in the relationship looking for a way out. For people like myself, we run into the very real possibility that we won’t find someone who meets our standards. I’ve been accused of having “unrealistic expectations.” I actually agree with this, but I’m not as inflexible as people think I am. But it could totally happen. I might meet a wonderful woman a little too late in her years, her eggs have rotted away and I am stuck with the inability to procreate which is something I wish very much to do.

The Solution.

First of all, you lonely cat people. Get some friends. If you can’t throw yourself out there and find a group of people to hang out with – that you actually enjoy hanging out with, you’re also nerfing your ability to meet someone special. Not that it won’t happen, but how much more of yourself are you then going to dedicate to said special person and next thing you know, your “one” is now slapping you with a restraining order because you couldn’t grasp the concept of space.

Learn to be alone. It may sound frightening, but it’s not. You need to be independent before you can be dependable to someone else.

Set the standards. If you’re looking for someone who won’t cheat on you or doesn’t get jealous you need to stop right now. Those are givens. They should not be things you want, those are standards. Don’t aim so low. If your list starts off with not wanting negatives, you will never get to the positives. Your standards should be perks because you want something above the bar. You don’t want a C average mate. You want an A+ knock out.

Finally, the person you ultimately end up with should challenge you, make you want to be a better person. Better doesn’t necessarily mean, morally better, but better as in a better you. Makes you work harder, think faster, generally raises your stock as a human being. If the person you’re with doesn’t do that for you, come back in a few years and read this post because you’re bored to death with that relationship you’re in. You can hate yourself then because it was more important for you to quench your loneliness than respect yourself as a person.

I know, that was mean. Dear future you reading this, I hope things work out. Best Wishes.

- Byong