What’s in a Name?

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Day 02 – The meaning behind your blog name

Ben, that’s my “Starbucks” name. I put Starbucks in quotes because it’s not just the name I give to Baristas when they ask me for my name to put on my cup so they know who to call when my drink is ready. It’s also my Chick-fil-A name, my Juice it Up name, my whatever-fuckin-food-service-needs-your-name-name.

The neighborhood I grew up in wasn’t populated with Koreans. I didn’t know many other Koreans outside of my parents’ friends’ kids, who I saw once a month and even they weren’t very “Korean” given that they grew up in the same situation I did. I didn’t grow up in K-town, nor did I speak with that weird distinct Korean, “punt,” that most Koreans I know today, who grew up speaking Korean, have. I grew up with a different flock of people.

The Mexicans called me “Ching Chong Chang” and any other thing that sounded Chinese to them. I know, I tried explaining to them many times that I wasn’t Chinese, but they didn’t get it. The skin heads that always hung out at the 7-Eleven called me Bruce. For years I had no idea why, I thought it was because they couldn’t say Byong. I also thought it was odd that they always wanted me to make Kung Fu sounds. I told them I knew Tae Kwon Do, they didn’t care, they just wanted me to do my moves. I was also a fat kid who grew up latchkey, eager for validation and attention. The only ones who liked my name were the Black folk. It reminded them of Deon (and currently, Beyonce).

Imagine my surprise when I started befriending more Koreans that not only was my name fucked up in English, but in Korean as well. My first name, by itself can mean either “bottle” or “disease.” Combine that with another word, and you get, “retard.”

My poor grandfather, who took much effort in providing his legacy with a strong name, “Child of Fire” (as it is written in Chinese characters) was now relegated to “bong” in English or “retard” in Korean.

So when the time came for me to choose my American name, in a fit of childhood wisdom and majesty, as if the fates had swept their hands and caressed my future, I chose not to change my name despite the ridicule I faced all the time. I was definitely imbued with the Triforce of Courage. I am proud to say that my American name is Byong Bark.

It’s the name I was given when I was born and it’s the name that will be on my tombstone when I die.

Here lies Byong Bark, he lived his life, unabashedly.

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It’s Burger Time

Day 23 – Something you crave a lot

Burgers.

Most of the time it’s not a specific burger, it’s just a hankering for two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun with a side of fries and a fekkin coke. So I’m pretty easy when it comes to satisfying that craving.

There are definitely days when I need a specific burger, like a Double Double Protein Animal Style with chopped chilies and raw onions, extra mustard fried. Other times a hamburger special from a mom and pop joint does the trick. Hell, there are even days where I just want a fuckin Big Mac, but it doesn’t get too specific beyond that.

As a kid I frequently stuffed my fat face with McDonald’s, usually for their Happy Meals and it was totally acceptable to be excited about Happy Meals because often times they came in special containers – not those two-toned paper bags they have now – but sometimes depending on the toy, they came in these molded containers shaped like trains and boats, but most of the time they came in cardboard carriers shaped like little houses where you can punch out the sides for whatever reason and make even more things out of them. I remember toys were like G.I. Joe’s, Hot Wheels and Legos. Now they’re paper and plastic pieces of crap that have no entertainment value. I wouldn’t give them to a dog as a chew toy. Whether they cared or not, the food was an afterthought. It was toy first. They even made it random and released more toys in the series as the weeks went on, so of course I had to ask Ma to take me to McDonald’s so I can get the new toy. However as I began to exceed the recommended age for the toys and moved onto the big boy burgers and fries I began to realize that I wasn’t just over the toys, I was over the food. I still think McDonald’s holds first place for the fries, fish sandwich and chicken nuggets, but they’re still sides and secondary to a burger.

When I was in Korea, it was hard finding a decent burger that wasn’t from an American chain. And Mexican food? Forget it. So thank you America for being bountiful in the one thing that I absolutely find myself craving time and time again; burgers.

Photo by RetroJunk

Like Everyone Else

You are the same as me.

Day 22 – What makes you different from everyone else

Nothing.

We’re all the same. We’re all alike. We all have the same problems, issues and stories, just with different characters on different sets with different dialogue.

I’m no different than anyone.

I’m just like everyone else.

How I Met Your Mother

Day 20 – Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

“You haven’t met her yet.”

That’s what my seer told me years ago when she was referring to my future wife. I thought it was odd at the time because I definitely had someone in mind, but as fate would have it – she was right. Now, I can’t say that there’s a definite person that I can name or say that I would like to date or be with – all celebrity fantasies aside – no one comes to mind. This isn’t to say that the ladies I interact with aren’t wife or even girlfriend material, they are phenomenal women, it’s just that, I don’t see myself with any of them.

I can describe the kinds of qualities I do look for in women, which makes for a far more interesting read than, let’s say, me stating a name no one knows, mainly because, most people think I’m a little too particular when it comes to my tastes in women. I get challenged a lot when it comes to my desires, many believe that I’m chasing a pipe dream or that I’m being too picky, but I will not apologize for having standards.

It’s difficult to simply list the things I look for in a woman. Instead, it’s much easier to give scenarios in how I would like them to behave.

I rant. It happens. If I go off on a tirade about why the banana industry is making a mockery of monkeys, I don’t need her to provoke me or to even rant along with me. I most certainly don’t need her to challenge me in my thoughts when I’m on a rant. I just need her to smile, understand that I’m having a moment and ask me, after all my huffing and puffing if I feel better and want a mother fuckin cookie. She understands that I’m not trying to pick a fight or even prove a point, that really, I just need to release that thought process out of my system. This is different from having a conversation or maybe a heated debate about something and having different views. This is for when I’m having a rant.

She has to be cool. She doesn’t necessarily need to win a popularity contest, but I need someone social. I’m social. If I bring her to a party, I should be able to leave her and have her be ok and not hanging on my arm because she can’t engage in a decent conversation. I want that old spinster with terrible cigarette breath to come up to me and ask, “Darling, where ever did you find her?” I want women to want to constantly want to borrow her from me and at my wedding, I want the men to cry because that’s the day they realize that their chances of hittin’ that shit are fucked.

Her actions must be driven by confidence and not a response to her insecurity. She looks good for herself and for me, not because she’s trying to compete with other women. She makes a witty comment about the intellectual talking out his ass not because she feels insecure about not having finished school but because she recognizes that the intellectual asshat was being a pretentious, uptight douchebag.

Anyone can list traits all they want on paper, but it’s different to actually see them in action.

Kids, I haven’t met your mother yet, but I’ll know when I do.

If I Had A Nickel

Yep.

Day 19 – Nicknames you have and why

This is almost a ridiculous topic.

It would take way too long for me to list out all the combinations of cruelty and colorfulness my name has inspired and it’s very likely that the name you surmised with your best canned wit and wisdom has already been heard. People have been calling me things that they were “comfortable” with for years. Never mind the fact that they weren’t even trying to say my name correctly because it was too difficult for them and they felt embarrassed about even having to attempt to say something foreign, no no, it was easier that I was the bigger person and just took it up the ass and was happy with whatever name people were ok with.

“Byong” isn’t even my Korean name. The way that people say it, the way that you hear it “bee-’YONG” is actually THE Americanized and accented version of my Korean name, which phonetically is best spelled “pyung” or “byung,” it’s a hard B do your best. But not opposed to the idea that some names are best re-worked in favor of our society, I’m looking at you Vietnamese and Chinese people, with my Korean pride halfway stowed I settled for my “American name” to be my American pronounced Korean name.

As a bonus, I’ll let you guys figure out the many different things people called me, there’s no point in listing them, you’ve probably already come up with a few by the end of this sentence.

I define nickname as a name someone else gives you that’s other than your name, usually a shortened form or something symbolic or representative of who you are. People don’t really give themselves nicknames, that’s pretty lame. Avatars, Screen Names and the like I want to say are a bit different. Nobody actually calls me Doorknobdude, or DKD. I mean it’s happened, but it’s not like I expect to hear it outside of the internets.

In Little League they called me “B.Y.” My first coach was a guy who looked and spoke like he drove a tractor. Couldn’t for the life of him say my name, nor did he have the patience to. In fact, I remember the day when he announced to the team that my name will from that moment on be “B.Y” out of sheer frustration. In those days I grew up in predominantly Black and Mexican neighborhoods mixed with what would be best described as Inland Empire White folk. Play nice and get along, that was key.

In High School when we had formed something of a gang but not really, where monikers were big and alter-egos were part of your growing up at a time where your culture bred a lot of angst and ethnic violence, where identity crises were a dime a dozen among the lost and uncontrolled youth, I was simply known as Bark. Initially Bark-Dog, but it eventually phased itself into just a simple monosyllabic moniker that was derived mostly from my last name. I hung out with guys named, RooC, BoomShock, Wasc, Sketch, John-Boy, Happy Snappy and Hazer. You may or may not at one time in your life seen these names on a flier for a party or maybe even a liquor store wall which I know nothing about.

Today, I feel like I’m too old to have a nickname unless I pilot a fighter jet and play volleyball, shirtless with pristine hair, aviators and man shorts.

People just call me by my name, which seems proper at this age. I used to have a problem with girls calling me “Bark” as it didn’t feel right unless it was preceded by a “Mr.” or “Big Daddy” because it felt like a boys club thing. Now girls just do it to piss me off.

Haha, I deserve it.

Burn The Bucket List

Fact: I almost got arrested that day.

Day 18 – Plans/dreams/goals you have

The word “plan” makes me want to slit throats and melt flesh. It could be attributed to the fact that I’m not the most left brained person, but it’s largely because I’m a bad kid and didn’t listen to my parents, especially my dad when growing up. Everything involving my dad and my future included the word “plan.” I grew an aversion to the word “plan” like I do now with “marriage” and “girlfriend.” Not that I’m afraid of marriage or having a girlfriend, but when it leaves the lips of my elders, it’s like a harpy grating her talons down a stainless steel chalkboard.

Let’s not talk about dreams. Those that know me well, know I don’t sleep well. So the word dream is like a big fuck you to me. My evening slumbers are often filled with nightmares both psychologically thrilling and scare-me-outta-my-pants terrifying. And I know, I know, the word “dream” in context to this blog post has a different meaning. I get that. But, life becomes a nightmare when you’re constantly putting out fires, constantly dealing with things so unexpected and so not of the norm you swear you’re part of some sick project to ruin someone’s life just to see how he reacts. If I had a dream to be the best chef in the world, it ends with me making the worlds best course and finding out in the end, that I’m the main ingredient.

I’ve recently learned to change the word goals to promises. Because of my psychological make up, I have better follow through when I make a promise as opposed to setting goals. We’ll leave that one at that.

But here’s the deal.

I fight.

I have a plan to burn that stupid bucket list. I have dreams of dreaming nightmare-less dreams. I have a goal to make the most fulfilling promises to myself and live the life I want to live and raise the family that I want to raise by my rules. These things aren’t bullet points on a check list. When I’m dead, my tombstone isn’t going to be a curriculum vitae. If I take stock of my life and itemize the things I have then I’m only quantifying the things that add value to myself. That’s ridiculous. My life is priceless.

It’s going to be my legacy that I leave behind that will tell the great stories of the man who told great stories.

Cover Me Porkins

~ * ~

Day 17 – Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

The easy answer is pretty much any superbly attractive member of the opposite sex for obvious reasons, the end result which would net me a day locked in my room, exhausted in a sea of stank and sexual discovery.

What? The topic specifically says for a day. I highly believe that I wouldn’t be able to change the world in a day, let alone save it. That kind of mental muscle takes more than just 24 hours of manpower unless of course I decide I’m going to be that guy who wants to be the hero and save the universe from the expanding plane that is negating all of existence in its destructive campaign against the idea of God and the very fabric of being. The rules of such an extra dimensional feat aren’t set in stone but I’d imagine it’s very possible that when I “become” this person, I may very well be me. For all intents and purposes – what the fuck do I know about piloting a ship that’s gonna rain destruction upon the thing that is eating not just the universe but fucking existence, man. I don’t want to know what that would be like. That I’d just “Quantum Leap” into the hero’s body right at the pivotal moment where I fire the proton torpedoes, get a screaming “Great shot kid! That was one in a million!” In the ear and we’d be rolling deep back home with my S-foils in attack position because that’s how Byong B do is not how it do. I’d probably freak the fuck out because I wouldn’t know what button to push as I’m looking right into the Maw of Madness. Would it even matter? Let’s say I didn’t push the correct button, or I crashed that thing right into a tooth of the very thing that’s eating God. How sad is that? All of EVERYTHING was pinned on me shooting down this big bad and there I am, a piece of food stuck between the canines of this beast, probably pissing the thing off even more because now I’m just this annoying piece of shit lodged into that place where food always gets stuck no matter how much it picks at it with its tongue.

And it’s not even like anyone is going to care. They’re not going to remember. We would fail to exist. And there’s no point in me getting in hours before. It’d be like waking up in chem class after falling asleep because I spent 4 hours on Facebook stalking that chick’s photos, who by the way sits like two seats next to me, and realizing, “Oh shit, I missed the whole thing. Did somebody take notes? I’m sorry we’re fighting what? WHO THE FUCK IS NEGATRON THE ENDER OF WORLDS?” Dude, that’s a lot of pressure. You people are insane.

Fuuuuuck, she totally saw me drooling.

The correct answer is I would get switched right after the universe was saved. I’d just swoop in, take all the credit and cash in that cow baby. Can you imagine the party that would be thrown for the guy who just saved EXISTENCE? Think of all the pussy that’s going to be dropped in my lap because I saved the thing that gives life meaning.

And not just earth pussy.

Dude, SPACE PUSSY.

Dream big my friends. Dream fuckin big.

[Good Times] Never Fail

We fell into a Christmas tree shortly after this picture was taken.

Day 16 – Fun pictures of yourself

These photos would not have been made possible without the fine folk who frequent my follies.

May our wits never dull.

Yeah man, I dunno

I make her look good

Bingo! Bitch

I ruined Warren's surprise party. Photo by Jason Zalameda - http://www.thecocogallery.com/

If You Don’t Believe In Love What’s The Point of Living

~ * ~

Dkd - STRFKing Me By

This was actually a side effect of a previous mixtape I was working on. It doesn’t hurt that the lyrics to “Rawnald Gregory Erickson the Second” go well with the “Passin Me By” theme. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did putting it together.

Have a great Valentine’s Day everyone. Don’t forget to get your mom flowers.

“all my life
there you go
oh please stay
just this once
anyway”