I want to get married. Contrary to popular belief, among all the naysayers and theories as to why I’ve lived my life under a strong banner of bachelorhood and casual relationships and have never really taken any of my courts seriously, I do have day dreams about taking my bride in hand and getting married in some tiny alcove of love and secrecy only to return with the great news that I’ve been hitched unbeknownst to everyone else. Sure I’ll piss off a lot of people, but I’m not a big ceremony guy and yes, eloping is my wedding fantasy despite the fact that my mom would probably be very upset and wave her fist at me in both shame and anger.
It’s been years since I’ve uttered the words “girlfriend” about anyone. Double digits in fact. After a few destructive cycles and some doom and gloom realizations with my last emotionally serious sidekicks, I went on a journey to not only discover my own personal Lost City of Gold, but have realized that the female adventurers I’ve met along the way don’t really have what it takes to survive the quest or we just aren’t on the same treasure hunt.
My friend Jon posted a great article on Facebook from the Huntington Post about why women aren’t married yet. It’s an editorial piece. There’s no science or empirical data, just a lot of observation and opinion as to why women today aren’t married regardless of whether they want to be or not.
It’s fuckin brilliant.
People who know me, understand well that I’m not a serial monogamist/dater. I love being alone and don’t get lonely. But, I’m also an exceptional mate and partner and I develop very tight bonds with the women I interact with. I’m never consumed by the need for love, attention or a relationship, so my observations about dating and love aren’t fueled by heartache, bitterness or desperation.
She breaks down the big reasons as to why women find themselves outside the confines of marriage. The details she rails out are pretty much exactly the reasons why I don’t decide to extend my casual relationships to anything further than they already are. When it comes to make it or break, it usually breaks because something is in fact broken.
You’re a Bitch
“Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them.”
Nobody, man or woman, wants to date someone who is angry. It’s no fun. It’s draining. At one point it feels hopeless and futile because no matter what we try to do to make it better and happy, it’s never going to get any better until YOU get over it and do something about it.
You’re Shallow
“When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character…if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich…Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls.”
I can name three woman off the top of my head who have ditched me for someone with more money – or as they see it, stability. I can’t blame them of course, we all know I’m not the most stable person. However, I am a man of integrity and character – despite what a lot of you may believe. I have no false allusions of who I am. I’m also a good fuckin time. The guys they left me for, sure they have money, but they’re boring, overly suffocating – “safe.” They feel their lives diminish every time an ember of their soul falls on the cold, loveless bedroom floor. They have fantasies about cheating and eventually break down and give in to that emptiness, guilt-ridden and finding themselves thrown into the throes of therapy wondering why their dads were never around and why they’re such slaves for stability and strong male figures. I’m not just dropping psyche101 bombs here; they tell me they’re bored over cocktails with husbands no where to be found or crying their eyes out in the women’s restroom because they’ve had too much too drink and have said too much.